PAUSE AND DECIDE-THE MOST MEMORABLE ADVICE FROM SOMEBODY VERY CLOSE TO MY HEART!!

One of the best piece of advice I have ever got was from my dad-who was my mentor,guide,philosopher and a critic.He made me a person what I am today.This master piece advice from my dad has stayed in my mind ever since.He told me to always remember THREE WORDS:’Pause and Decide!’ These three words were for me not just an articulation of father’s philosophy,but also a  pitchy masterclass  or  sound advice in effective decision-making. Everytime I need to respond to something or take a decision,my dad’s words flash into my mind-pause and decide.

Driven by impulsive responses,we often take decisions in haste.Someone says something to us-and we immediately react with words and actions that come back to haunt us later.Alas! if only we would make it a habit to heed my late dad’s advice.

The next time you are very angry or badly hurt, or need to make a decision,take a deep breadth-before saying a word or moving a finger.The next time something goes wrong and you feel like reacting immediately-JUST HOLD IT!! After the moment has passed,you will find the turmoil or dust settling down.The mind gets clearer.And the decision that follows is usually by far better than what you might have taken in haste.

Our decisions are very often, more like a negative one than a positive choice.We change jobs not because of one negative appraisal feedback session,boss’s outburst of anger or a promotion that we lost out on.We make career choices,break relationship- all in the heat of moment.In an era of increasing download speeds, we seem to be in a hurry to take a decisions. As a matter of fact,in most cases, a cool headed approach would have made for far better,more rational decisions.There is a thin line which seperates haste from speed-but it is a critical decision.It has been well said-‘Decide in haste,repent at leisure’. But unfortunately, we still have not learned our lessons.

I would like to share the story of a spiritual master who went on a pilgrimage with his disciples.The wise old man felt thirsty and wanted some water.A disciple quickly walked over to a nearby stream,jar in hand,to fetch some water.The stream was crystal clear as he could see the sun’s rays on the water.Just as he was about to fill the jar,a bullock cart crossed the stream.As the wheel churned the soil of the bed of the stream,the water turned muddy.It did not look clean enough to drink,so the disciple went back to the master empty-handed, and explained what had happened.The master asked him to wait for a while to allow the mud to settle.When the disciple went back a little while later,he was delighted to find the water was cryatal clear again.

As the master took a sip of the water,he said:’our minds are like that stream.An external event or stimulus-like that bullock cart can cause our mind to get muddled up.When that happens,all you need to to do is relax.Just wait a while and allow the DUST to settle.And your mind will be clear again.

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So the next time you feel stressed or agitated and want to respond,just think of the bullock cart and the stream.Remember my dad’s advice:

     PAUSE AND DECIDE.

                                                ______________________________________

A SMALL SERVICE TO MY BELOVED READERS:

As i am also a life coach, if you so desire, you can refer to me  your personal, professional and family issues either through my blog or my email (given below) and I would send you my advice within a week.I am extending my services  to you for a very nominal  fee of 1 $ per advice which I only want to charge because when you get something free, you do not value it.My main objective

is to give you the benefit of my knowledge and three decades experience  so that you begin to think and understand life issues in an appropriate and rational manner and right perspective and lead a calm,anxiety free and happy life.

My email: ravi_singh52@hotmail.com

Thanks and Regards.

 

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WE ALL FAIL AND FALL BUT BE STRONG ENOUGH TO STAND ON YOUR OWN FEET!

Baby giraffes never go to school.But they learn a very important lesson rather early in life.A lesson that all of us would do well to remember.

The birth of a baby giraffe is literally an earth-shaking event.The  baby falls from its mother’s womb,some eight feet above the ground.It shrivels up and lies still,too weak to move.

The mother giraffe lovingly lowers its neck to kiss the baby giraffe.And then something incredible happens.It lifts one long leg and kicks the baby giraffe,sending it flying up in the air and tumbling down on the ground.As the baby lies curled up,the mother kicks the baby again.And again. Until the baby giraffe,still trembling and tired,pushes its limb and,for the first time,learns to stand up on its feet.

Happy to see the baby standing on its feet,the mother giraffe comes over and gives it yet another kick.The baby giraffe falls one more time,but now quickly recovers and stands up.Mother giraffe is delighted.It knows that its baby has learned an important lesson: No matter how hard you fall,always remember to pick yourself up and get back on your feet.

After all, why does the mother giraffe do this?It knows that lions and leopards love giraffe meat.So unless the  baby giraffe quickly learns to stand and run with the pack,it has no chance of survival.It also knows that the lessons we learn early on become part of our habit,our instinct,and stand us in good stead all through our lives.

Most of us,though,are not quite as lucky as baby giraffe.No one teaches us to stand up every time we fall.When we fail,when we are down,WE JUST GIVE-UP.No one kicks us out of our comfort zone to remind us that to survive and succeed,we need to learn to get back on our own feet.We often live such protected,cocooned,low risk lives in our early years that we are not quite prepared for the big,bad world when we enter it.

So the next time you find a supervisor or a parent kicking you,don’t get upset with them.Like the mother giraffe,they may only be trying to teach you one of life’s most important lessons.It does not matter how many times you fall.What matters is your ability to pick yourself up and stand on your feet once again.

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WE ALL FAIL,WE ALL FALL AND WE WILL CONTINUE TO FAIL AND FALL IN TIMES YET TO COME.BUT WE MUST TAKE THEM IN THE RIGHT SPIRIT AND LEARN TO BE STRONG ENOUGH TO STAND ON YOUR OWN FEET.

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A SMALL SERVICE TO MY BELOVED READERS:

As i am also a life coach, if you so desire, you can refer to me  your personal, professional and family issues either through my blog or my email (given below) and I would send you my advice within a week.I am extending my services  to you for a very nominal  fee of 1 $ per advice which I only want to charge because when you get something free, you do not value it.My main objective

is to give you the benefit of my knowledge and three decades experience  so that you begin to think and understand life issues in an appropriate and rational manner and right perspective and lead a calm,anxiety free and happy life.

My email: ravi_singh52@hotmail.com

Thanks and Regards.

 

Saying sorry a million times may never completely undone the damage.

For those of you,especially our international readers,who may not know Mani Shankar Ayyar-I would like to give his brief introduction.Mani Shankar Ayyar is an Indian politician and a Member of Parliament(Rajya Sabha) from Indian National Congress Party,He is known for his impulsive and controversial statements.On 7th Dec 2017,he said in his speech that Prime Minister of India,Mr Narendra Modi was a ‘NEECH’ person which was interpreted as  a person of low caste.And the situation turned so ugly among Indian political circle(especially with the present ruling party) over  this derogatory statement that Mr  Ayyar had to immediately apologize for this act.

When we are angry,we say things that leave a scar.And no amount of  apologizing later can ever  remove those scars,Remember that!’

It is a lesson we would all do well to take to heart. Keep your cool. Don’t lose your temper.Pause and decide. you will thus see a significant improvement in your relationship and command goodwill of others. People will like you more,they will respect you a lot more, and you will find that hardly anybody gets angry with you.

More importantly,be careful what you say when you are angry. Choose your words with care.Those words can leave a permanent scar. They may be said in the heat of moment but the damage could be permanent. While you can apologize profusely and say sorry a million times,the damage is never completely undone. Saying ‘sorry’ is like using one of those eraser attached to the end of the pencil. It is easy to use,it feels like you have erased what was written but the marks remain on the sheet of the paper for ever.

In the era of instant messaging and on-the-go emails,it has become more important to watch your words.If you are upset and want to shoot off an angry email or message,HOLD IT!  Draft a mail perhaps-but leave it as a draft. Don’t hit the ‘send’ button whilst you are still angry. Pause! Tell yourself that you will take a look at it the next morning. Chances are,with a cooler head the next morning,you will realize the folly of sending out the angry  email. It does not matter if you are in the right or think your anger is justified.IF YOU LOSE YOUR COOL,YOU SIMPLY LOSE.Period

So, the next time you are angry and want to say something,like Mr Ayyar,take a deep breadth. Pause. And may be say nothing at all. Trust me, I do it when I face a similar situation and mostly I am in control.

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Starting today, resolve to keep your cool. Watch what you say and see the difference. You may fail initially but with a conscious effort, you will have a better control over yourself with passage of time.

                                                           ____________________

A SMALL SERVICE TO MY BELOVED READERS:

As i am also a life coach, if you so desire, you can refer to me  your personal, professional and family issues either through my blog or my email (given below) and I would send you my advice within a week.I am extending my services  to you for a very nominal  fee of 1 $ per advice which I only want to charge because when you get something free, you do not value it.My main objective

is to give you the benefit of my knowledge and three decades experience  so that you begin to think and understand life issues in an appropriate and rational manner and right perspective and lead a calm,anxiety free and happy life.

My email: ravi_singh52@hotmail.com

Thanks and Regards.

Whatever happens, happens for the best!! DEVELOP THE ‘THIS IS GOOD’ ATTITUDE.

 

There is an old saying if something happens as per your wish, It is good, but if something does not happen as per your wish, this is also good- because, this is wish of God!!

So, it is pointless worrying about outcomes you cannot control or change. Focus instead on what you can change… when one door shuts, another door opens. This reminds me this African folk tale about a king and his friend.

The king’s friend was an optimistic and cheerful person. Whenever something happened- good or bad- the friend would remark, “this is good!”, they would often go on hunting expeditions and the friend would help prepare the king’s rifles. One day, the friend made a mistake with one of the guns. When the king took that gun and pulled the trigger, his thumb got blown off. Seeing what happened, the friend remarked, “This is good!”, that made the king very angry, ‘No this is not good’, he said and sent his friend off to prison.

After a few years, the king was out in a place where he should have not ventured into. The cannibals living there caught him, before throwing him into the huge earthen pot that was being readied for cooking. It was then, someone  noticed that king had no thumb. As it happened, those cannibals were superstitious lot. They never ate anyone who was less than whole. So, the king was set  free.

As he headed back to his palace, the king recalled the incident when he had lost his thumb. He then realized that his friend had been right in saying, ‘This is good!’. Losing a thumb that day had actually saved his life. He immediately went to the prison and set his friend free. He narrated his story to his friend and apologized. ‘you were right. I should not have put you in prison’, said the kind. ‘That was bad’!

‘No, no. This is good’ said the friend.

‘what do you mean’ asked the king. How could sending you to jail have been good?’

‘don’t you see?’ said the friend. ‘ if I had not been in jail, I would then have been out hunting with you. And the cannibals would then have killed and eaten me!’

So, the next time you find things are not going your way, think of the king’s thumb. And whatever happens, just say ‘This is good!’ you will suddenly find the world a better place. And you will discover how empowering that can be. Instead of playing victim and wallowing in self-pity, the ‘This is good!’ attitude compels you to take ownership and do things that can be life-changing.

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When you say, ‘this is bad’, the mind gets conditioned to look for difficulty in opportunity and when you say ‘this is good’, the mind looks for opportunity in difficulty, and therein is born a winner or a loser.

                                                             ______________________

A SMALL SERVICE TO MY BELOVED READERS:

As i am also a life coach, if you so desire, you can refer to me  your personal, professional and family issues either through my blog or my email (given below) and I would send you my advice within a week.I am extending my services  to you for a very nominal  fee of 1 $ per advice which I only want to charge because when you get something free, you do not value it.My main objective

is to give you the benefit of my knowledge and three decades experience  so that you begin to think and understand life issues in an appropriate and rational manner and right perspective and lead a calm,anxiety free and happy life.

My email: ravi_singh52@hotmail.com

Thanks and Regards.

 

 

SHOULD THESE MYTH INFLUENCE YOU MARRIED LIFE??

“To build a good marriage, you need trust, love and acceptance. to build a bad one, you need dumb rules and unreal expectations.”

                                                      – Chirag Mohanty Samal

I totally agree with this proverb. if you are a happy married couple, you should agree that there is no single formula for a successful marriage. what works for you may not necessarily work for your friend. Your relatives may sound very sure about the formula, to a report published in a leading national daily in 2015, that in cities like Mumbai, Delhi, Bangalore, Kolkota. The number of divorce applications has doubled and even tripled. Reasons: Incompatibility issues to abuse.

This proves that conventional wisdom is wrong on what it takes to make a marriage work. A lot of rules have been spoken about;

  • Keep peace at all costs.
  • ‘Have a kid, it will solve problems.’
  • ‘Don’t refuse sex.’

But these are based on unfounded optimism or fear.

NEITHER IS GOOD FOR A LONG PARTNERSHIP

In my view, its now time to ignore these popular marriage myths and find out what counsellors and relationship experts have to tell us about building a lasting bond.

  • ‘ Having kids can strengthen your relationship’.

– Do your parents and in-laws insist you to have kids? This argument then may be familiar to you. But if you are facing a serious problem in your marriage, you should refrain from planning a baby with the hope that things will get better. As per a reputed clinical psychologist, marriage and relationship counsellor, “To have kids does not change a person’s basic nature or the basis of a relationship. It may work temporarily, but bringing up the children could be difficult and the moment the initial hubbub quietens, the troublesome behavior that was being suppressed will resurface”.

  • ‘Sex is the basis of a good marriage’

– It is true that a good sex life can fasten intimacy and lay the foundation for a strong relationship, it cant make up for the other crucial deficiencies. As per a clinical psychologist, “Sex is one of the many important factors in a contemporary marriage. However, it is love that keeps a marriage intact. Sex is only the catalyst”. So don’t worry much if you have not been as active in this area as you were at the beginning of the relationship.

  • ‘Don’t have any secrets’

– Honesty is a virtue, but so is discretion. There are certain things that we should better leave unsaid. “Every minute detail need not be shared, you never know how he might react to things he has not expected”. You are under no obligation to dish to tell your partner details about post relationships or reveal a secret that is not yours to share.

  • ‘Avoid Arguments.

– When two people live together, there are bound to be differences. When these conflicts so arise, it is important to speak up and not bottle up your feelings. As a matter of fact, it is healthy to argue with your partner. It only shows that you communicate well and neither of you is constantly making emotional COMPROMISES.

My Message to you:

BE OPEN TO NEW PERCEPTIONS.

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IS IT THE ONLY WAY TO HANDLE YOUR CHILD?

 

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HOW TO CONTROL BAD TEMPER WITH YOUR CHILD?

Do you ever struggle with temper tantrum at your house? You know what they involve: Yelling,Screaming, Bad language,and all out loss of control until you almost cannot take it anymore and you just want to……put yourself in time out? Yes, I am talking about our own Parental “temper tantrums,which we all have been known to experience at one point or another as we raise our kids.Read children are notorious for bringing out the best in us as Parents. There are moments when we find we are better people because of them.We may model better behavior,be more honest,forgiving,caring and kind.And then there are also those moments too,when our kids bring out the very bad in us.These are the times when we are exhausted,overworked,stressed to levels we never know about-and the next thing we know are no calmer than the toddler-yelling and screaming,red faced and enraged.

         HERE IS THE TRUTH

Losing your temper is a fact of life,one that is very normal.albeit upsetting-when it actually happens.

But there are solutions that can help you stay calm,balanced and under control.

FOLLOW THESE SIX STEPS AND YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO SEE A CHANGE IN YOUR APPROACH VERY SOON.

  1. RECOGNIZE YOUR TRIGGERS:

The first step to look at is why you lose temper.Understanding our triggers as adult is just as important as trying to find out what upsets our kids, so that we can help them control themselves.

     2. FIND NEW WAYS TO COMMUNICATE:

Parents too often fall into bad communication habits we learnt from our own parents when we were growing up. These can include giving our kids the silent treatment, withdrawing from the family, giving very harsh punishments in the heat of the moment, yelling, sarcastic remarks, etc. it is very easy to fall into this pattern especially when you have a toddler screaming at you or a teenager getting into your face. But it is then important to remember that you are modeling how to deal with anger and frustration for your child, not just in the childhood or adolescence but for when they are adults as well.

This is not to say that you cannot express anger, disappointments or frustrations with your child. Sometimes, it is important that your kids know we are not happy, but we must find ways to express our feelings in an appropriate manner. When you fear you may not keep yourself under control- finding a way to stay calm is key. If you find a calming strategy that works for you, it can stop you from losing your temper.

SOME IDEAS:

  • Walk away (literally): when you find you are about to lose it, walk away from your child. This will not only prevent you from taking a wrong path, it also models for your child an appropriate response when they are feeling overwhelmed themselves. For older kids, feel free to say. “you know I am not ready to talk to you about this right now. So, I am going to be alone for a few moments until I can calm down.”
  • Practice deep breathing:
  • Use deep breathing to calm yourself- it really works.
  • Long-term strategies:

You can integrate physical exercise into your weekly routine for a long term calming practice. We are all busy, overworked, and short on time, but one way to be the best parent possible is to practice self-care. This can come in form of yoga, meditation, running, biking or simply walking.

      3. Communicate calmly

Healthy communication relies on both you and your child being calm. So, do not approach them, if they are still raging at you or you are still angry to talk. You can keep your comments brief and to the point for both young children and adolescents as well.

      4. Choose your battles

Our own tantrums are too often born out of parents feeling frustrated by getting upset over every little annoying thing your child does. One way to combat this is to really think hard about what is important to try to enforce and what you can just let go of in regard to your child.

For younger kids, there are a lot of daily behaviors that can be frustrating: at this stage, kids are messy, they cry easily, they have meltdown, and they can be grouchy, high school kids are messy- they can be moody, irresponsible and unfocused. You should tell them about your family values and can decide what is important to tackle.

It is important that your child completes chores, has an atleast semi- clean room and is respectful. If so, then make it clear what your expectations are and let the occasional mess, the roll of the eyes, the moody behavior go back behind you.

  1. Apologize when you are in the wrong:

One of the greatest gifts you can give to your child is knowing when to admit that you have done something wrong and apologizing. Some parents have to struggle with this. They think that if they apologize, they are giving up their power or showing weakness. But you should then ask yourself what is it you want to teach your child or what kind of legacy you want to pass on. It is obvious that we want our kids to know when they have wronged someone and teach them the importance of an apology.

 

MY MESSAGE

THERE IS NOTHING MORE POWERFUL THAN A PARENT ADMITTING THEIR FAULTS AND OFFERING A SINCERE APOLOGY.

DEMONSTRATION OF THIS TYPE OF HUMILITY SHOWS A CHILD THAT WE ARE ALL HUMAN AND EVEN PARENTS CAN MAKE MISTAKES.

 

 

 

IF YOU ARE HONEST IN SAYING-‘I M SORRY’-IT HAS MAGICAL IMPACT.

YES,NEVER HESITATE!! IF YOU ARE WRONG,HAVE COURAGE TO GENUINELY SAY-‘I M SORRY’

It is a fact of life that Relationship Problems do creep in one’s life at some point of life.This relationship problems could be between Husband and Wife,Father and Son,Mother and Daughter or for that matter any other relationship.While 90% relationship problem occur due to Non-communication,there are also some relationship problem, which creep in because of a person’s inability to own up to a mistake and  apologize.I have seen many people around who are  incapable of saying, ‘I am Sorry’.They perhaps like to put their failure behind them and cannot admit they are wrong.

I,THEREFORE,STRONGLY FEEL THAT THIS KIND OF MINDSET TO DISOWN A MISTAKE AND AN APOLOGY, STRAINS AND BREAK RELATIONSHIP MORE OFTEN THAN ANY PERSONAL FAILING.

As I am also a Life Coach,i do often get people coming to me for resolving their relationship problems.I will cite a specific case to make you understand better.

A person came to me for a relationship problem with his wife.After giving a patient hearing to him,which is my primary job,i came to know that since this man had lost his job,he was not earning enough to meet his financial obligation towards his family.His wife had to start working to support family.As is the case normally,wife started abusing her husband most of the time and this went on for three long years.

Imagine what this man went through this abusing relationship and mental agony for such a long time,but he decided to maintain silence,not because of any weakness,but to avoid any kind of confrontation,unhealthy home environment and primarily not to fight with wife and set a bad example to his growing children.

Since the man was not on talking terms with his wife,he wrote a letter to his wife to stop this abuse and mental torture.He gave her 6 months time to mend her ways,otherwise,he would be forced to leave the house,which he will not like to do for the sake of growing children.But even after 10 months,wife did not change her ways and continued her abusive behavior.This man possibly not finding any other option,left his  house to stay elsewhere and had now come to me for any possible solution of this whole problem.I asked this person-was he really serious to resolve this relationship problem with his wife.He promptly said,’if i was not serious,i would not have come to you’.

Without any further discussion on this matter,i took the phone number of his wife,called her in front of him and told her upfront that her husband was sitting with me to discuss and resolve the the problem between them. I also told her that if i had to resolve their problem,i also need to meet her.I asked her,if she could drop in my office torrow at a mutually agreed time and she agreed to meet me.When the wife met me the next day,i only asked her two questions:

1-Is it true that you have been abusing and torturing your husband for the last 3 long years?

She had the courage to say-YES.

2-Has your husband been totally silent all these 3 long years and not confronted you ever?

She again had the courage to say-YES.

I then politely asked her,’Don’t you think that your husband’s long 3 years silence and suffering now deserves a change of heart from your side.She again demonstrated the courage to say-‘yes’ but’How’?

I asked her’Will you accept my advice’?

She politely said,YES.

I then called her husband who was sitting next room to my cabin.To my surprise,wife got up and offered her seat to her husband,since i had deliberately kept only one chair.This is what i wanted to see to take this matter to the next level.I again asked his wife-CAN YOU PLEASE SAY “I AM SORRY” TO YOUR HUSBAND?”

She took about 10 seconds to react but eventually said ‘I am sorry’ to her husband.Husband hugged her to reciprocate her gesture and she too hugged her husband with tears in her eyes but smile on her face.

They thanked me for bringing them together and left for their home.

MY MESSAGE TO YOU

Remember,change of heart do happen at an appropriate time.Sometime,a barrier is formed between a husband and wife and this needs to be broken with the right body language and by just genuinely saying-‘I AM SORRY’.This has a very very powerful impact.

I HAVE ONLY ONE ADVICE TO GIVE TO MARRIED COUPLES-“DO NOT EVER HURT YOUR MAN’s ‘EGO’ AND DO NOT HURT YOUR WIFE’S ‘SENTIMENT’.

YOUR HAPPY MARRIED LIFE IS SECURED -TRUST ME!!

GOOD LUCK FRIENDS!!